"Darkest Before the Dawn" The "Is it True?" Series Episode Thirty-Eight

Welcome to Honor Your Truth

The “Is It True?” Series Episode Thirty-Eight

“It’s always darkest before the dawn”

I was driving down the road….one of the roads between the Twin Cities and Door County. This is a drive I do quite often, as I live in 2 places, Minnesota and Wisconsin. Last year, I was back and forth about 20 times? I think. It’s interesting. I have had up to 4 phones at one time. I have an apartment and a house…..2 sets of friends that don’t know one another….2 lives. I don’t really feel like I live anywhere. When I begin to feel that I do, it’s time to leave. I am never present. I am always waiting for something to end. I know, yes, home is where the heart is. It is possible to be present wherever, whenever…..but home is also a place. I’m a vagabond, a drifter. I’ve been wandering for 7 years and I have the “seven year itch”. Maybe it’s just a phase, but I’m feeling the nudge. You know the nudge. I have learned that if you get one of those, pay attention. It’s a blessing. Not knowing what to do, living in limbo, is an awful place to be, so it’s a gift to get that little push from inside telling you….it’s time to move. Nudges=Changes is an indisputable equation. Change can be scary…the unknown. The alternative is to die a little….I die a little every time I ignore the life within in me that guides me, wants me to thrive…..the life within me that calls me to do what I came here to do, to be who I am…..to honor my truth. I gotta quit this job once and for all, and I gotta do it soon.

Anyway so, I was cruising along and listening to the air…nothing else but me and my thoughts…no radio. I’m doing my driving meditation. I read a church billboard that said, “darkness cannot keep out the light”…cool, I cant stop it from coming, even if I try. I need only to allow it….to open up the door and make it possible for the light to shine in. I thought about a possible song lyric, so I did as I do. I scrounged around for a pencil and a scrap of paper, anything. Why, after all these years, do I not have this ready? Lack of belief, trust, truth, honor, respect and commitment, what? Do I have the courage to own who I truly am? I’m a writer. “Real” songwriters carry around a little book called a “hook book” at all times. I want to be organized, consistent, to own this part of me and show it some respect. I do call myself a singer/songwriter now, but do I feel it down through my feet to the earth and up through my head to the heavens? Sometimes I do, and sometimes I’m still not good enough. However, the light’s getting in….I’m letting it in.

I am here to tell you that I let whole pieces of myself go, sacrificed pieces under the guise of love. I even thought I had to in order to have love. I felt I had to “make myself” loveable. I didn’t know that we “are” loveable. I became a shadow of myself. Had I kept going, I would have been gone. My physical body could have been walking around….maybe, but my spirit was dying and I knew it. I didn’t know if I could save it, if I would save it. There was a moment when I knew I had to make a choice….live or die. If I do not pay attention to, and follow the voice in my heart, I will not thrive, let alone survive. I must tell the truth. I must be the truth. If I am in a situation where I do not feel safe telling the truth for whatever reason, I must get out of it. There is a war waging in me. My ego wants to hold on….it’s scared. It got a little to comfortable hiding out in the darkness of my soul. I’m shining the light in….I Honor My Truth!

Debra Hadraba
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